Posted to FB (friends-only) on Sept. 19, 2024

When I was little, I used to think, "If only I could complete a single [X] (i.e. novel, musical composition/album, etc.), what a wonder my life would be."

I thought that if I could ever be "good at" just one thing -- something related to literature or music, since I never cared for sports or any of that -- people would recognize my "talent" and I would always be surrounded by friends and supporters and etc.

You know, the fantasy of a lonely, asthmatic kid who never got picked for the team (here's a tissue)...

In my twenties and thirties, I gave up on playing music almost entirely (in middle and high school I had been a drummer and occasional vocalist, though I did not write my own music) and focused almost entirely on language and literature study. I got married early and the only time I sang was at home or in the shower, but sing I did. Often. Or shout (if it was Nine Inch Nails, and no one was around to hear it!).

In my forties, after obtaining my second MA (an MFA in creative writing) and returning to Japan to teach at university, where I had for several years lived off and on between studying at uni/grad school, something inside me broke. I joined a rock band in late 2014 (as vocalist-only, for the first time, instead of as a drummer, something I'd always dreamed of doing/being), put 110% of myself into it, and in the end was disappointed when the bulk of the songs I began writing "a cappella" (before I could play the guitar or piano) were never arranged or performed by the band.

After two years of this, I bought my first acoustic, and less than a year later I had assembled my own band. (Soon thereafter I also bought the Telecaster - electric - that, to this day, I own and use occasionally for recording and/or live performances). I realized, after the band fired me from my own band less than a year later, that the people who had been coming to our shows were not coming either for me or for my songs/performances, but for the other three members of the band, with whom they were friends.

That was the reality of it. Boom.

Post-band, I formed various smaller projects -- using electronic backing, drum machines, whatever worked for me -- and did solo things, either with backing or just acoustic-vocal. People generally did not come, nor did they respond on SNS. In early 2019 a "stalker" who thought it would be funny to try and smear me by putting a bunch of mocking videos on YouTube and other social media sources using my name and image appeared. He had been friends with my ex-bandmates, and I guess he didn't like my music (?)...

Covid came in 2020, shortly after I moved to Tokyo for work, and I again had to move to another apartment (my current place of over four years now) after a bitter breakup. I continued to make music on my own, realizing that nothing I did would change the way the outside world "was" or that I would likely not gain any sort of fanbase by doing the music I did/do. During the pandemic, music was the only thing that kept me from throwing in the towel. That and listening to talks about how NOT to depend on others/external things. I realized, then, that all of the BS external stuff that was making me so frustrated was just that: a veneer, a mask, a deception.

FF to 2024. The music has evolved/changed, but the situation has not.

I feel very much supported by a small handful of people who respect what I do. By and large, however, nothing has really changed at all. The way I respond has changed, but nothing "objectively" has...

Going back to "when I was little" for a moment...

When I was writing day and night, obsessed and possessed by the written word, I completed several collections of short stories and novellas over a period of several years, as well as a longer novel. Most remain unpublished to this day.

And since I started writing and recording (and mixing and designing artwork for, etc.) my own musical material, I have produced -- on my own -- more LPs than I myself can literally count or recall. I have performed hundreds of live shows, both solo and in collaboration with others, over a span of around 10 years (maybe slightly less than 10...). But nothing has really changed at all, except the quality of the music, the production, and what is inside of me.

That idea that "If I am good at one thing..." or "If I can only see this one project to completion..." was completely naive and, well, incorrect. A very childish idea, indeed. The most surprising part for me has been, over time, that I had so much more than only "one [X]" in me after all. Music (and writing, and video work, and...well, CREATIVITY) have become the reason that I still bother to wake up in the morning. And all of the commercial stuff really sucks, you know? I mean, no one seems to have the focus for anything of any real substance anymore, and everything is about instant gratification and profit.

Let me tell everyone here a little secret: FB is actually quite depressing to me.

I am beyond caring very much about thumbs up and so on, either here or on other platforms (the only time I've ever gotten them is when I post photos of food or my daughter, never for creative endeavors). But when you put 110% into your music, your visuals, your production, your ART (which is the expression of one's deepest aspects)... You do everything possible to make your art the best that it can be, and you get almost no response and no turnout at shows...

Well, it's "Turn and turn again (I shake!)"...

Do it, or quit. I have no choice, since if I quit my life loses all meaning entire.

It's funny to me how the very second some influencer says something is good and puts it on social media, everyone else jumps on the bandwagon, and then everything that the person who, five minutes ago, was an unknown says or does is repeated or imitated by everyone else. It's like, "Bowie was a GENIUS!" (he was) or "Elon Musk is a GENIUS!" (he isn't) and so then everyone is supposed to never question anything they did (like the awful Glass Spider tour of '87, or Musk's Neuralink trials, for which he tortured and slaughtered animals needlessly in order to bring Orwellian Mind Control to the masses).

It's the same thing when bands try and cover other bands' material. Instead of creatively reinterpreting, they get stuck on the chords and using sheet music. Status quo is boring.

You know, you really have to kill your ego, sit back, enjoy the moments you can, and laugh at the absurdity of this place we call "Reality." As Alan Watts once said, "Don't worry, it's all a show."